"KEEP IT TOGETHER!"

If you were anywhere on Roscoe Avenue last night - you might have heard me saying this to myself..out loud. It didn't work. I got punished for being stupid and going out on a 'school night'.

Let's back up a few hours. I'm currently working a hell convention (more on that later) and normally would never go out knowing that I had to be at the hotel at 6:30AM, but I decided that I should work out that kink in my shoulders by downing a few beers at my co-worker's (Serena) birthday party. It was $15 all-you-can-drink and I figured it couldn't hurt to suffer a little on Saturday.

Suffer I did!

I behaved fairly well (for me). I drank my beer, and then I left at my self-imposed curfew. However, on the walk home, I started having violent stomach pains, but they would come in waves so I figured I would just get home and take some Tums and call it a night.

But about 2 blocks from home, the pain started to become more intense. I had to turn off my iPod to concentrate. This was no longer a simple matter. There was a very large and angry gas bubble challenging my body, and I knew all too well that if I let even a bit of it out... it would release an explosion of epic proportions.

I clinched harder and tried to walk faster, which was difficult given the ice patches all over the sidewalk (where I had slipped only 2 weeks earlier). It got to the point where I was literally talking out loud- "Keep it together, Eric. You're almost 31. You cannot shit in your pants a block from home! You can do this. Come on"

As I walked past The Closet, as the pressure continued to build, I prayed no one inside would see the look of terror on my face that clearly said "I'm about to crap myself". No sooner had I rounded the corner, my mind over matter battle was lost and the matter escaped in to my pants. I did a new kind of walk-of-shame to my apartment, rode the elevator alone (thank god!), and was greeted by Lucy's judgemental face. I spent the next 20 minutes cleaning up the evidence of my accident and text-ending my friendship with DSP who upon hearing that I had shit myself only offered this support -"You suck at life".

Needless to say, I won't be going out on 'school nights' anymore. Lesson learned!